couldn’t resist
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the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home