My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
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I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.