I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
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I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting