dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
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The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.