“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
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I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school