Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
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TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
I’m being attacked 😭
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.