wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
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Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!