I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
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Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Put a ring on it
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.