DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 馃尩
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
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Husband: Ok, this isn鈥檛 funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it鈥檚 not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
I can鈥檛 keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I鈥檒l take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I鈥檓 pretty sure it鈥檚 summer.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
[in the world of chess]
kings: here鈥檚 a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can鈥檛 even run straight