Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
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Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.