This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
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COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Every time my phone rings
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
You look like you would fail a DNA test
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?