If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
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i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.