[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
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I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
🙂🙃🥹
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.