Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
You Might Also Like
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
wow
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Your honor these allegations are
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.