i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
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*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Ok, but like, how married are you?
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
black phone good
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.