3% human
97% stress
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My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]