(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
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Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Noah was an idiot.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for