Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
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Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Rt to bother an English speaker
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.