The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
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FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
You’re the water to my grease fire.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?