Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
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You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.