Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
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Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Y’all know who you are.