My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
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Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
These are too funny not to post 😂
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.