One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
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My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn