We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
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Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.