lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
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I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
…u ok Nintendo?
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.