Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
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I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
why am I working on Labor Day
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.