[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
You Might Also Like
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
sugar glider wrangler
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Europe. Made in Germany.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
FINE, I WON’T.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean