When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
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You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me