Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
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My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Doggies just call it style.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Why soy sad?
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL