*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
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Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
yeah no that’s fair
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.