Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
You Might Also Like
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
work smarter, not harder
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T