8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
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Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college