my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
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CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
My biological clock is wheezing.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!