[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
You Might Also Like
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.