NASA has no chill
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Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Mad Max: Furry Road
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.