I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
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Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.