Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
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Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Big Sex has us all fooled
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Print is alive and well!!!
There’s always that one guy
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
*pronounces UPS like yoops
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.