Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
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Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
So, can we agree on 4 or
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.