Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
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This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected