Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
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There’s never enough good news
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
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…
…
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2015: Taco Emoji!
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
at ease…shoulder.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
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Expectations vs. Reality
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car