Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
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Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
At least he brought enough for everyone
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids