How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
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Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.