hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
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me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy