I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
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the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Cha-ching is my safe word
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.