I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
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I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.