*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
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I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Here’s a meme
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.