If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
You Might Also Like
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
My favorite farside!!
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Erm…
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help