*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
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[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music