Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
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One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA