When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
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The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.